Falling in Love? No thanks!

I don’t know how the rest of you ended up happily (or not so happily) married, but I can tell you that I never want to “fall” in love.  It makes it seem like a trap of sorts.  If I fall down, I typically get hurt.  If I were to be “hit” with the love bug, I’m not thinking it would feel good.  So why wouldn’t it sound as if “falling” in love would be painful?  I take peace in knowing that I will never “fall” in love.  I will want to love and I will choose to love.

I read an article earlier today, which you can read here, that really got me thinking.  I think it’s great when a parent tells his/her child that love isn’t something that will just smack you in the face.  It isn’t always so obvious as waking up and realizing that he/she may be “the one”.  I can tell you from experience, “the one” will take many different forms throughout your dating life.  I don’t know how many times I have thought about whether or not I was making the right decisions in relationships.   Most of the time, I probably wasn’t…. but that’s neither here nor there.

I have dreamt since I was a little girl of falling in love and walking down the aisle on some hillside overlooking a stream with autumn leaves all around.  Now, not only is that probably not going to happen, it’s not what I want anymore.  Just as the man I dreamt of so long ago.  Back then, he was tall and handsome.  A wealthy man with a sense of style.  A decent job and a great beach house.  Don’t ask me why he had a beach house because I’m not sure… I don’t even spend much time outdoors because I burn so easily, lol!  Now, I don’t even know what form this mystery man will take.  I can only tell you what form he will NOT take.  And that is below…

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            He will absolutely not have an addiction to alcohol or drugs

He will not treat anyone as if they are unworthy of his time/attention

He will not be an atheist… because although I’m not as strong in my faith as I should be, it does still exist.  My faith in Jesus Christ, that is.

He will not have a horrible criminal past

He will not be lazy and depend on others to take care of his every need

He will not get in the middle of arguments I have with my sisters or my family… because men come and go, but sisters are forever.

I could probably go on and on about this mystery man, but I don’t want to.  Instead, I will cherish these moments and know that one day, when I decide I am ready to do so, and have met a man with whom I am comfortable and enjoy being around, and whom I don’t mind sharing my space with (because that’s a BIG thing with me), I will choose to love him.  And once I make that choice, I will continue to remind myself of the good I saw in him when I chose to love him.  Because I’ve always said (and still do) that I will only be married one time.  If it doesn’t work out, that’s it and I’m done.  I will be single for the rest of my days.  Because if I choose to love someone enough to be married, I want it to last forever.  Because that’s what it’s all about.  Finding someone to spend the rest of your life with.  It’s not something that should be taken lightly which is why I am not married… at just two days shy of being 26 years old.

Just Because the Plumbing is in, Doesn't Mean the House is Ready to Occupy

Women, listen up!  This is for you!  There are good guys out there!  “Lies, all lies” you say?  No, it’s the truth.  But you may not be deserving of one.  Don’t be offended yet, just read on.  It will make sense shortly.

It’s a well-known fact that most men are after one thing.  And that thing would be?  Yep, you guessed it.  SEX!  So how’s a woman to find a decent man in a crowd only looking for sex??  Simple.  Stop advertising yourself as a sexual play thing and start advertising your marriage qualities.

There are far too many young girls (and yes, I do mean young girls who might be 12 if I’m being generous) flaunting what the good Lord gave them in front of strangers.  And it’s not surprising because look at who they have looked up to all these years.  Celebrities?  Models?  Older siblings and parents?  When you walk around showing your business to all of Terre Haute (or whatever city you may live in), you’re sending men a message that you see yourself just as they do—a good time.

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t dress to impress, I’m just saying don’t take away so much clothing that nothing is left to the imagination.  Don’t let men pressure you into having sex on the first date.  Don’t teach your nieces and daughters that it’s okay to show the world her panties on Facebook and YouTube.  And for the love of all things holy, stop with the sexting!

If you want to attract a decent man, you first need to be a decent woman.  And that means keeping yourself covered and acting like a lady.  Don’t go bragging about this guy you slept with or that one.  Don’t pretend to be okay doing the friends-with-benefits thing.  Because you know that’ll only hurt people and most often, the woman is the one getting hurt in that situation.  And stop meeting men in bars.  I know it’s hard to take me seriously when I say that because after all, that is where I met my son’s father.  But trust me, the men you meet in bars are not worthy of your time or your lady bits.

Start flaunting the respect your mother taught you to have for yourself.  Start saying yes to guys you normally wouldn’t give a second thought if they ask you to dinner.  Show him you can take care of yourself, and just want someone to spend time with.  Don’t let him think you’re just looking for a good time.  Be honest with yourself and with him.  If you want to settle down and have a family, don’t let him think otherwise.  Be respectful of him and yourself.  Be a good role model for the little girls looking up to you.  Start thinking about your children/future children.  Would you want your daughter to give it up just to fill a void?  Or would you rather she wait for the man that deserves her?  Be more selective, but don’t be unrealistic.  There are good guys out there, but they fall for the good girls.  Not the girls dressing like they’re in a Victoria’s Secret fashion show.

Just because the plumbing is in, doesn’t mean the house is ready to occupy.  I don’t care how old a woman is, this statement is always true.  You may think you are ready for a sexual relationship, but so many of you aren’t.  And if you’re already in a sexual relationship, make sure that’s not all he’s there for.  Women are worth more than they give themselves credit for.  You deserve to be happy and respected.  And until you start standing up for yourself, and for what you deserve, you will never find that good guy to help make your life that much better.

The Best, Most Difficult Decision... Daycare or no?

I enjoy being the major provider for my son.  But with being the major provider and having sole custody, come hard decisions.  Decisions that I didn’t think about before he was born.  I had to make the most difficult decision of our lives about a year and half ago.  Well, the most difficult since his father and I split up anyway.  I had to decide whether I wanted to put my son in daycare or not.  If I chose to enroll him in daycare, I knew I would always have someone to watch him while I worked or had doctor appointments he could not go to.  On the other hand, if I decided to depend on family members, I wouldn't have to leave earlier or get home later every day and I would know without a doubt that he was safe.  Although I would have been more comfortable with him being with family all day, all week, I knew this wasn’t the best thing for us.  Despite all the what ifs that go along with any new adventure involving children:  Will he like it?  Will they be good to him?  Will they scare him?  Will they hurt him?  Can I really afford to spend $400 a month on child care when I could get it free if he were at home?  I had to stop thinking like a paranoid mother.

So on January 16, 2012, my son started going to daycare full time.  He was just one month and one day shy of being a one-year-old.  He was still using a bottle and was not walking.  He hated for his mommy to have to leave him there for 8 ½ hours every weekday.  And I hated leaving him there.  I always thought when the phone rang at work that it would be the daycare calling to say something horrible had happened to my son.  My sweet little boy, who counted on me to protect him and keep him safe.  But I never got that phone call.  The first day came and went, and Kayden was alive and well.  And then the first week.  And then the first month.  And then the first summer.  My son was in daycare and he was okay.  Him being in daycare while I worked was okay.  I didn’t have to feel guilty anymore.

Sometimes I still feel guilty for leaving him when he wants to stay with me, but I know that as soon as I walk out the door and leave him in the owner’s arms, he will calm down and he will be just fine without me.  Most of the time now (since he is 2 ½) he wants to go to daycare.  He wants to play with his friends.  He talks about the owners and the staff.  About the friends he’s made.  And about his little girlfriend.  Yikes!  A ladies man already, lol!  He doesn’t want to leave that place to come home.  It's actually a fight to get him to the car more often than not... and he's a big boy so that's always fun, lol.

He has grown up so much in the 1 ½ years he’s been going to daycare.  He went from drinking Enfamil in a bottle to drinking milk in a cup.  He went from jar baby food to adult food.  He feeds himself now.  He went from having no interaction with kids to having alot of interaction with kids.  He went from babbling "mum" to saying "Mommy" and "Mammy."  His vocabulary is amazing... as is his memory.  He can sing the entire alphabet, can sing twinkle, twinkle little star, can count to 10, and he can even name and show people all of his colors.  He can do impressions of animals (and do them right).

He’s a normal 2 ½ year old little boy who has learned more at daycare than he could have learned at home.  He is a social toddler now.  We no longer have birthday parties just with his family.  Now, we have birthday parties with his friends.  He goes to birthday parties of his friends.  My son is not a baby anymore.  And he’s smarter than I could ever have imagined he would be.  And I can honestly say that despite the doubt and the worry that I felt every single moment he was there early on, it was (and still is) the best decision I could have made for him.

No Man Will Ever Compare

So I’ve been in serious relationships before… not so serious ones as well.  I’ve had fun and I’ve had boring.  I’ve been happy, I’ve been sad.  But in none of these relationships was I genuinely happy enough to consider the man a father figure to my child.  The truth is, that no matter much I enjoy spending time with someone, or how much I want to be with him, no man will ever be able to take the place of my son’s father.

Now I don’t mean to say that I am looking for someone else to play the role of his dad, because that’s not fair to anyone.  His dad is a wonderful man, working hard to provide for his ever growing family…and that is to be respected.  What I mean to say is that no matter how hard I try, I will never be comfortable enough to let any other man (and very few women) discipline my child or correct his mistakes.  That is my place as his mother, and his father’s place as his father.  

No man will ever be able to make my son laugh the way his father can.  No man will ever be trusted to care for my child except his father.  No man will ever be able to play with my son correctly.  No man will be able to calm my child down the way his father can.  No man will ever compare to my son's father in terms of the way he interacts with my son.  No man will ever be good enough to be a larger influence in his life than his dad.  No man will ever take the place of, nor attempt to act like he is my son's father.  Because my son only has one father.  And that's how we like it.

We may not agree on all aspects of our son’s upbringing, but our son is always taken care of no matter what the situation.  He has the best of both worlds.  And despite my vision that a perfect family was one made up of mom, dad, and child (or children), I have to face facts and realize that a perfect family is the family that loves each other unconditionally and without keeping score.  And my son has this on each side of his family.  Kayden has the perfect family.  He has two birthday parties, two Christmas celebrations, two sets of toys, two parents that love him no matter what, despite their failed relationship.  My son is blessed because of who his parents are.  And I'm not bragging here, I'm just trying to point out that he is lucky despite having one home with mommy and another with daddy.

How many of you parents have ever felt comfortable letting someone else correct your child?  Have you ever felt like maybe you should have stayed or fought harder to be with your child's father?  Have you ever questioned if you did the right thing by leaving?  By trying to move on?

I want to hear your thoughts!  Let me know how you feel and what you think!